film

Considering that I’m about to go on a fanboy rampage over the Iron Man film and considering that Ghostface Killah (aka Pretty Toney, aka Tony Starks) is riding high on my playlist, I’m not sure how I missed this report from MTV last year: Ghostface Killah’s Iron Man Obsession Lands Him A Cameo In Upcoming Comic Book Flick. The whole thing sounds a bit Entourage to me, but this quote is a work of genius:

I jumped in there for maybe 12 or 16 bars, nothing too major. It was a good look for the kid because Robert Downey Jr. recognized me as soon as I seen him. He was like, ‘Yo, Tony!’ … For him to recognize me, I was kinda surprised by that. I didn’t know he even knew about the kid. … We called each other Tony onscreen. I’m like, ‘Tony Stark, I got your jet, I didn’t mess it up.’ He was like, ‘I got the Bentley for you, I laced it up.’ I had two girls with me, I was like, ‘That’s you [pointing toward the girls].’ I sent two birds at him. It was a wrap for that scene. He’s a cool dude and funny. Big up to Robert Downey Jr.

Anybody who talks about themselves in the third person as “the kid” has my respect, naturally, but “I jumped in there for maybe 12 or 16 bars, nothing too major” is possibly the best description of a cameo appearance in a film ever.

I Am Legend is a great film for the first 70 minutes and a rubbish film for the last 30 minutes. There’s all you really need to know, except for one thing.

All the “zombie sounds” in the film - you know, like when one of the infected gets a spike in the eye or tries to eat Will Smith’s face - were provided by Mike Patton, one of my musical heroes. For some reason that makes me happier than the idea of Will Smith saving the human race at the end of the film (ooh, spoiler). It would suck to be a zombie/vampire/rabid post-human, but at least you’d have the chance for some mad beatboxing.

I should point out that the book on which the film is based was written by Richard Matheson, one of my writing heroes. Needless to say, the film removes the key element which distinguishes the book from the usual run of post-apocalyptic movies, but I’ll leave you to read the book, watch the film and judge for yourself.

Oh, and avoid like the plague (chuckle) the 1971 version starring Charlton Heston, The Omega Man, where - in a radical move - they ditched the vampires and cast Sly and the Family Stone as the bad guys.

They are clearly not scary in the least; Charlton Heston, on the other hand, makes me want to run a mile.

I cannot conceal my forbidden passion for superhero comics. I don’t buy them any more, and I promise that the Flex Mentallo miniseries was the last comic that I’ll illegally download. Whenever I pass Forbidden Planet, though, I feel my inner fanboy struggling to emerge into the neon striplighting and greasy carpets.

Sometimes I try to pretend that I’m interested in comics because they’re a valid art form in themselves - which is true, but it’s also quite a transparent excuse. No, the truth is that I grew up reading superhero comics, and I like to read about people with energy blasts, magic hammers and adamantium claws beating the crap out of each other. The only time that people suspect this about me is when a film based on a superhero comic is released - I tend to get inordinately excited even when (and this is the giveaway) the film itself is clearly rancid nonsense.

However it’s more socially acceptable to like films about superheros than to read comics about superheros - which is a whole topic in itself, probably. So next year promises promises a bumper crop of movies about which I will get inordinately excited, allowing my inner fanboy to accost all and sundry while I explain exactly why I don’t think that Gwyneth Paltrow will make a good Pepper Potts (I know, that’s obscure, even for me). In reverse order:

3. Batman: The Dark Knight.

I’m mixed on this one. The first film was great right up until the last 20 minutes, at which point it became clear that they’d introduced too many ingredients and didn’t know how to get the thing out of the oven. The second one will no doubt be tighter but, like Mr Shyminsky, I’m not convinced by this version of the Joker. So Batman is beaten out by…

2. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

The first Hellboy film was more fun than a barrel full of demon monkeys, but had the thankless task of introducing a backstory that’s so complicated that even Mike Mignola can’t remember half of it. The plus side is that this sequel won’t be bogged down by so much exposition. Guillermo del Toro is always an interesting director, and Ron Perlman was born to play the lead role in this film, cigar and all - yes, Ron Perlman was born smoking a cigar, fact fans!

However the actor in our #1 spot is as perfect for his role as it’s possible to be, so Hellboy takes silver while gold goes to…

1: Iron Man

Two words: Robert Downey, Jr. Okay, three words. This will rock like Gibraltar.