Everything I needed to know, I learned from Mister Dance-Dance Roboto

Search engines will eventually be used for no other purpose than nostalgia. We’ll browse them like we would an old photo album, laughing and crying at the searches we requested in our youth, and occasionally rediscover sites and documents that were once important to us. We’ll share our searches with our grandchildren, who won’t understand what we’re talking about, since their entire memory set will already be fully indexed.

Here’s a case in point (and a useful segue) - I was searching for the string ‘tyranny’ and (re-)discovered the script of El Minotaur Blanco by Van Chootijaram.

It’s hard to describe El Minotaur Blanco. It’s a work of genius, but not the kind of genius that you’re thinking of. It’s postmodern, but in a postmodern way, which suggests that it may not be postmodern at all and I just don’t understand the word. It’s a western, but only in the way that Pearl Harbour was a classic (i.e. it wasn’t).

You can’t see this film, because it was never made (I hope). You can’t even read it, because you don’t know how to get in touch with Van Choojitarom (unless you email him like I did). You can’t even imagine it, because you’re only human (I’m making a lot of assumptions here). All you need to know is that this film contains - if he can be contained - one of the greatest characters I’ve ever read.

Mr Dance-Dance Roboto is a killing machine - or rather, a dancing machine who kills. We first meet him when epistemological villain Jesus Franco unleashes him against Solon and the Athenian League:

MR.DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO then goes on the offensive. Breakdance music comes from his speakers… A total rout ensues: the Athenian League tries to flank Mr. Dance-Dance Roboto, but he is simply too good a breakdancer: his always lethal shots are seamlessly incorporated into his dance routine, even shooting people behind him.

LESSON #1: Incorporate lethal shots into dance routine.

After destroying the League (”How can I hit him? -It’s like he’s walking forwards but he’s moving backwards!”), Mr Dance-Dance Roboto disappears for a few pages, then reappears to tell his story (this next bit is heavily edited, hopefully avoiding any copyright-related litigation):

MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO
I do not wish to kill. I wish to dance only. Before I was just a robot. Then I learned to dance.

[Cut to MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO in a girl's ballet class [alternately MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO shows a helpful filmstrip].

In dancing I learned to express myself. I became something more. I thought I could be happy dancing. I thought I would find enlightenment.

All things seek, or move toward enlightenment, whether they know it or not.

My quest brought me to Jesus*. Jesus showed me my quest was full of pride and vanity. He showed me that there is nothing more: before I was a just robot;

[MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO is charging, hooked to jumper cables. JESUS FRANCO shows MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO a fluffy bunny rabbit and offers it to him. MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO is happy]

Now a happy robot.

[MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO's embrace inadvertently electrocutes the fluffy bunny. JESUS FRANCO laughs. MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO is sad.]

Now a sad robot but a robot all the same. I did not truly have choices. No one does.

[FRANCO opens MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO's insides. He shows MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO his empty interior with a mirror.]

The only freedom is to realize this.

I was not alive. I was not dead. Life and death were the same. Killing and dancing were the same. I became Enlightened, thanks to Jesus and now I cannot make a mistake because I have become pure, perfect technique. I am not a machine. I am not a word. I am a deed and the deed is done.

LESSON #2: Learn to dance, but don’t expect it to solve all your problems. And don’t fool yourself into thinking that you have choices. (Alternatively you can split these into two sub-lessons, 2a and 2b, or into two completely separate lessons, in which case Lesson #3 becomes Lesson #4.)

Is Mr Dance-Dance Roboto a tragic hero in the classic sense, rather than a one-dimensional bad guy? No. He is commanded by Jesus Franco to kill Destroyer, the hero of the film. Having seen Mr Dance-Dance Roboto in action, we know that it will not end well for Destroyer.

MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO stands before the gun. Dramatic pause. Full of drama. Music starts and MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO begins to breakdance. It is always a pleasure to watch MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO dance. At the end of his moves, MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO smoothly recovers the gun and points it dead at DESTROYER. Music stops.

DESTROYER busts some moves (god help us all). Music starts. DESTROYER and MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO enter into an inspired dance contest. They go back and forth. MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO is the clear superior. At the end DESTROYER isn’t even really dancing, having exhausted other genres, such as soft shoe and the hokey-pokey. DESTROYER is whipped and physically out. He clumsily hands it back to MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO.

MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO just stands there. Motionless. The wind blows.]

JESUS FRANCO
Mr. Dance-Dance Roboto! You are not programmed for mercy! I command you to finish him. And use the gun!

[MR. DANCE-DANCE ROBOTO does not move]

DESTROYER
This is not mercy. This is Enlightenment. We competed, but I could not defeat him. He was the greatest breakdancing robot ever created. He was the perfect gunman and the perfect dancer. In remaining motionless, he surpassed me, surpassed all technique and perfection itself. In becoming still he stopped his mind.

LESSON #3: Remain motionless.

So that’s how I roll, living my life according to these three (possibly four) simple lessons. Although it doesn’t exactly provide a comprehensive moral philosophy that covers every situation, it’s a damn sight easier than following most organised religions. It’s clear, it involves great dance moves and it has comic potential. Mr Dance-Dance Roboto deserves his own film or, if you feel he’s a taste that only I will ever acquire, perhaps a cameo in another more popular film.